Couldn't Say This Otherwise

I just have some serious doubts about our marriage and our continued relationship

I just dont know how to feel about you and our marriage

more and more i dont think i can handle this-your constant betrayal and your need for doing things for him

i am not crazy for being upset-you are nuts

really wish a lot that we had not gotten tangled up-i love you a lot but i just think we are not suited for this and we would have been better to not be together

Things like this hurt me and stay with me and I am not allowed to be emotional and deal with it because J does not have the strength to work with me when I am upset. So I just have to swallow it down and coddle her until she feels better about everything. I have to just take what she says and try and not let it bother me and not hold it against her. That is very very very not fair. It makes me want to gouge my eyes out a little bit.

I just feel pm guilty by being annoyed with her and you put it all on me that i took her away i just cant deal i have a lot of guilt

It makes me angry and guilty and i just am having a hard time with it i just feel like it would be better so give you up and her go back it fucked me up more

After asking J if she really thought we were in a lose lose situation, her response was…

At this point yes i want you but i dont want A and that mess

And it goes on and on and on. It hurts.

At this point yes i want you but i dont want ad and that mess

I dont do home good i do you and me well but i cant deal with everyone else you have dragged in

I dont want the mess you bring i dont agree with it

 I am just mad and i have to try and deal with things that i would not have done or choosen and you just tell me to deal and get over it

I have to vent. Just a little bit. 

Forced. Obligated. Displaced. Pressured.

 Those are words that have come out of J’s mouth lately. She is having trouble with dealing wth everything on her plate right now. The new promotion. The new family. Living with her mom. me not working. L starting school. Just EVERYTHING!

 And it has put real strain on our relationship. She thinks that I let too many people get away with babying Li and that it has made her narcissistic. Can a 5 year old even be narcissistic?? I don’t think that she is at all. J got upset because P&G sent her 2 different packager for her birthday – and then a separate OTHER birthday card. I DO think it was a little bit of overkill – but to me thay are acting just like my grandmother did. And to L and me they have practically been grandparents. So, I see nothing wrong with it. They had a wall in the living room that had pictures of L and their actual grandson in frames and things as they had grown. J thinks that is weird. And not quite right! But really…is it?

 I don’t know. And then this…she wrote this to me just now whie she is at work. “I love you very much and hate that you are amazing but come with complications i am having a hard time working past.” She gets mad at me because L still comes directly to me with most things. I tried to tell her that of course she does because that has been the course of action for the last nearly five years of her life, which happen to be the only years of her life.

 J and I got into a HUUUUGE screaming amtch fight the other night over how she is worried about never developing a relationship with L. And how I make it difficult on her. And how L only wants to give her attention when she is doing something for or with her. And how she will always be “raising someone else’s child.” I just don’t know what to tell her. I am at my wit’s end with this fight as we have been having it from the beginning. UGH!!!

 I am not really looking for answers. Just relief in getting it all out.

So….J and I got into it again. Big. I feel like that is all we do
anymore. I realize the time is winding down. But I hate fighting. I am not a
sad person. I don’t like for us to be upset with each other. I try and let
people only know about the good (except for here). We have so much adversity against us
already. I don’t want other people starting to think that we are not good
for each other. I just have to vent somewhere. I can’t do it on my blog or
twitter where I normally would because she reads it and gets upset about it.
hat’s why I started a whole other blog. So far from what I normally write. Its where
all the pain goes. And I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

BUT….She gets so upset about the whole A thing. She does
not deal with it well at all. She admits that. I know that. The last two
weeks I have kinda given her free reign to just say anything that she wants
to. Just to keep the peace. Hoping that if she gets it all out then it can
eventually end. But it is never-ending, apparently. At least, the end is
nowhere in sight to me.

Last night she went on this whole tirade about how she wishes I had clear
boundaries with A. That she doesn’t understand what kind of hold he has
over me. Or has had over me. That I let myself be his whore because I
continued sleeping with him after I left him. That I let myself be taken
advantage of. That I am stupid and blind and naive when it comes to him. And
that all I am going to do is throw him in her face for the rest of our
lives. That she doesn’t understand why I always believe him and why I give
him so many chances. And how she would never be given the chances that I
allowed him. She said she is angry at me for my choices in the past and she
has no respect for the person that I allowed myself to be. NOW…if you are
like me…you are still stuck back there at the word ‘whore’ because that is
where I got lost. I heard very little of what else she said. None of it
mattered…she called me a whore.

Whether she meant it in that one specific capacity does not matter to me.
The fact that the word ever fell out of her mouth was enough to crush me. I
am shattered. Like little pieces of me are being left behind everywhere that
I go. She tried to apologize and say that the situation with me living with
A hurts her so much that she sometimes gets so angry that it blinds her and
causes her to lash out and try and hurt me as much as she hurts at the time.
I cried and told her that it was completely different because the things
that I am “doing” to her are inadvertent…what she just did to me was
deliberate. And that the woman that loves you should never talk to you in
such a shameful, disgusted, angry, cold, and callous tone. EVER. That it was
inexcusable. That I do not accept her apology. And now??? I am not even mad
at her. I am just so very very very hurt and saddened….

And even now…I just want to make it through the next 27 days and get her
here and then get me there. This long distance thing is crap! I can see how
so many people would fail at it. It would be so much less painful to throw
my hands up and say, “I am EFFING done with all of this.” But I can not
imagine my life without her. I do not want to. I know that I will never love
like I love her ever again. I know that she is the person I am meant to
spend my life with…

J told me today that “a lot of your comfort is physical and its hard being apart and getting any benefit.” That really hurts me. I have always thought I am very good with my words. I have always been told that I am very comforting. My friends call me oft times just to talk to me and help soothe them. But J thinks I am not good at that. She said, “You are just better with your touch that with your words. Its just easier in person. I can look in your eyes and believe your words.” Is that because she thinks I am lying? I don’t lie to her. I don’t really know how to take that. It kinda really breaks my heart.

I am done with this long distance thing. *TEAR* I just…I hate it. I am sad all the time. I miss her all the time. I can only think how much better things would be if we weren’t 900 miles apart. No, I am not under the crazy impression that everything will be magically better. I know that we will still have problems. I just think that they will be much easier solved. And they will not get blown out of proportion by high-voltage emotions.

I hurt. I am sad. I am angry. And I am not used to these feelings. I am used to being happy. And bubbly. And easygoing. My very good friend told em the other night, “You are such a bubble happy person…when u r down I feel the world just isn’t right.”

Let’s see…I don’t even know where to start. really…

J and I had been fighting since LAST Friday evening (05/28). It started when she thought I was being shitty towards her and it escalated from there. I said something horrible to her. She said some horribly mean things to me. She told me I was selfish, inconsiderate, and a brat. I told her “fuck you.” She can’t get past it. It was harsh. I was wrong. I’ve apologized a bajillion times. But to no avail it seems. She told me she was done with me. I took my ring off and didn’t wear it the whoooole of LAST Saturday (05/29). And this whole time I can’t help but feel that if we weren’t 900 miles apart then we wouldn’t even be fighting. I would have been able to explain what I meant and what I actually said…we would have kissed and made up.

I had to go to the storage unit and separate my stuff from R’s stuff and get my own little storage unit. I am so much happier with J (except for maybe right NOW right now) than I ever was with him. It was just still a bit emotional going and moving everything and getting it out and being surrounded by 3 years worth of memories and thoughts and failures and letdowns. Maybe its silly. Maybe I am overemotional. I don’t effing know. But, whatever…I was still hurting.

When in storage, I came across a picture of the little boy that I gave up for adoption that I didn’t remember I even still had. It was from 2004 – he was 7 years old. I was already a little emotionally raw from fighting with J. I couldn’t call and talk to her about it because we were fighting. So…I busted into tears all on my own. And cried and cried and cried. Then I remembered that I was supposed to be doing something and I put the picture in my car and got back to work. When I broached the topic that evening with her she got so mad and said I was manipulative and trying to make her feel sorry for me so she would stop being mad and had the audacity to ask me, “when are you going to just get over this?” I don’t think I will ever get over it. When B and and I decided on the couple that we decided on we thought they would be perfect. They told us all about them. They made us a home video of their house and neighborhood and family. When they got the nursery ready, they made us another video so that we could see it and see how much they wanted him and would care for him. They promised us that he would know he was adopted and that they had been chosen by us. They promised that he would know OF us. That they would send us pictures occasionally. We got pictures the first year. A little journal of sorts of how he was growing and his major accomplishments. After that…nothing. Except for the one picture in 2004. I don’t regret my decision…it was the only one and the best one that I could have ever made. But it does bother me that they lied. And it will always bother me. I don’t think I will ever GET over it. And I think it was horrible of her to be so dismissive and hurtful as to ask something like that of me.

L has started acting like a demon incarnate. This is so very unusual for her that it has caught me completely unawares. I know this is small potatoes or whatever, but it is still causing me to lose a little bit more of the sunshine that I usually am able to hold on to. She has never been an exceptionally bad kid. She is pretty even-keeled and mellow and fun the majority of the time. But since Tuesday…I would swear that her body was inhabited with the Devil Herself. She has taken to kicking and screaming like a banshee and arguing with me every time I tell her to do something she doesn’t want to do. I have had to spank her little behind twice. In four days. I RARELY EVER spank my kiddo. I am one of those moms that uses timeouts and restrictions and she USUALLY responds to that. She USUALLY hates to disappoint people and that thought in and of itself is enough to make her stop doing whatever she is doing. It just one small drop in an already overflowing bucket.

Also…I have finals this week. I am that girl that stresses over grades and school. I always have been. Every since the third grade. I freak out. In high school I used to stress out to the point of not getting my period in the month of November or May, during finals. Now….its not so bad. I am definitely getting an A in two of my classes and possibly an A in the hard one…but still. It is a bit stressful. Thankfully that will all be done with on Wednesday (TODAY!!!).

And finally…the very last thing that has really hurt my feelings…Everyone at my job got their season bonus checks week before last. Everyone but me. And no one told me I wasn’t getting one. I wasn’t told that I performed poorly. That I was a sucky employee. That they are not issuing me a bonus. Nothing. I just happened to discover it because I am the one who does payroll. I was entering the payroll in our spreadsheets and noticed that I was the only full-time permanent employee who did not have a bonus category next to their name. When I asked my boss about it…he said it wasn’t his call. He said it was the owner’s decision. He did not give me an explanation or say that he fought for me. He just shrugged it off like it was nothing. I work for a really small family-owned company and I think of us as fairly close-knit….so after I got over the initial anger…I have just felt really betrayed and deflated and let down.

Add in Saturday (06/05)….L is hanging out in the back seat of the car as we drive to Loganville to hang with my old roommate and her little kiddo…She says, “Mommy, P and G told me that God didn’t give me two mommies and that means that I don’t have to call J, Mommy J. I should just call her J.” OMFG ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?!?!? Can I get a break some-fucking-where?? She also told me that A said the same thing. I was livid. J was seeing red. I immediately called up A and asked him when and why and what and where. He denied it. I wanted to believe him. The more J bitched about it and the more she made me think about it, and the more she called me naive and gullible (READ : the more we fought about it), the more I realized she was probably right and he was probably lying to me. So this morning I had a long talk with him and told him that in no uncertain terms were EITHER ONE of them going to be speaking negatively about me and/or each other. I am done with it. I am so over this stupid bull shit that I have to deal with. I wish that J could pretend that he didn’t exist. And I wish that he could just get over his bull shit aversion to the choice I have made. GGGRRRRRR

Put all of that together…and you have a very unhappy upset less than sunshiney ME. And you also have an empty bottle of Pomegranate wine, a NOW empty pint of Pomegranate Chocolate Chunk ice cream, and an empty 4-pack of Jack’s Down Home Punch.

I haven’t been here because things have been incredible. I have had no need to vent. It is still that way. L and I just got back from a trip to visit J. It was a great trip. Our first Mother’s Day together was more than wonderful. The weather was chilly. There was snow on Mother’s Day, which L loved. We went and registered for school. We went to the Sciencenter, the Dinosaur Museum, the Park. L and J went into the next town over to go to the big mall and purchased me the most gorgeous necklace. It was really…just a great visit. I can’t wait for life to begin in the next 60 days.

I used to call my feelings my feelers when I was being especially sensitive. And I know that is what I am being now. Ultra-sensitive. But I don’t care. Maybe if I get it out then I will feel better about all of this.

I have mentioned before that I am basically leaving and abandoning all my stuff to move and be with J. This is fine, for the most part. But she makes me feel bad for the stuff that I have. Like it’s just not good enough for her world. I have worked my butt off to have the few belongings that I do have, and when she makes comments about how they don’t “fit in” it hurts me. L’s black bookshelf that I bought her for Christmas, for example. J asked the other day, “Would you get mad if I told you not to bring the bookshelf?” To which I replied, “I would not get mad because I am not leaving it. So it is a moot point.” She got all upset and told me it didn’t match. It doesn’t go with the scheme. It looks like cheap modular apartment furniture. IT’S A BOOKSHELF. FOR A FOUR YEAR OLD?!?!? What’s it supposed to look like? It’s not a Mahogany hand crafted piece of work, no. Because L is F-O-U-R!!! Of course I am not going to buy her some high end piece of furniture. But her bookshelf is not CHEAP. It WAS inexpensive, but by no means is it cheap. And then….AND THEN….when J figured out today that the bookshelf she had planned on putting in L’s room was actually too tall for the space it was going in….she went and bought pretty much the EXACT SAME bookshelf, just in a lighter color, so that she could paint it. That hurts my feelings even more.

Nothing that I have gotten L will be in her bedroom. Nothing that I have will be in our sitting room except MAYBE my giant brown rug. The only thing that will be in our bedroom is my bed. My dining room table will be in storage until further notice. My TWO DIFFERENT living room sets are both staying here in Georgia. I am bringing my dining table, washer and dryer, king sized bed, L’s bookshelf, her princess table, and my leather rocking recliner that belonged to my great grandmother and then my grandmother. I am leaving my desk, dresser, two living room sets, L’s bed, L’s little dresser, and countless other stuff. Not to mention I have been told to pare down my clothing, my bathroom stuff, L’s toys, and L’s clothing. It is not enough that I am moving L and me across the country, I am starting a whole new lifestyle, leaving all my friends, not taking summer courses like I wanted to, and that we are moving in to Momma’s house. But I have to give up so much, too. I know that marriage is about sacrifice sometimes. I just don’t feel like this is as even as it should be. I feel like I am losing a bit of myself along the way. I have tried to convey this, but she doesn’t understand. I just feel like my stuff is not GOOD enough for her. I have tried telling her that she doesn’t have to WIN us. We are already hers.

She doesn’t understand why my feelings are hurt. She doesn’t see that she is stabbing me with a knife every time she talks about giving L the best that she has ever had. As if MY best was nowhere near what she is getting now. I know I shouldn’t, but I just can’t help feeling like this. And when I mention it to her, tell her that I am hurting, it gets turned around into a giant J pity party. SHE feels bad. SHE just wants to be good enough. SHE is no good for me because she hurt me. I just want to be the one to hurt and be consoled.

And NOW….NOW…I get a text that said that I made her a little sad before and now she is totally upset and can’t stop crying and can’t sleep. So….once again….I will push my feelers back down and tend to my fiance and make everything okay for her again. Maybe one day I can get be the hurt and upset one. Maybe one day I can cry it out and be consoled. Maybe one day…..

The words that J just spat out at me cut me to my core. Literally. We were discussing {read:arguing} about how I stay friends with people long after they hurt me, specifically ex-es. And that it hurts her and she hates that I feel it necessary to stay friends. She asked me what I was getting out of being friends with R. I tried to explain, as I have several times before, that if they were good enough to be my friend in the first place, why are they not good enough now just because we decide we can not be romantically involved. It is not as if R and I had some big huge blow-out. We just separated and then realized and admitted to ourselves that we were not supposed to be together. Granted, yes, I was technically still with R when I met J. And I guess you could think that I left him for her. But I didn’t. Not exactly. He and I were over long before I left him. Long before we separated, probably. But only because he couldn’t be all that I require and I was way more that he could handle. But I don’t understand why we can’t still be friends. If the two of us can be friends why can’t she deal with that? Why does she get to tell me who my friends can and can’t be?

But the words she said….”If you want him that much why don’t you just go back to him and EFF him.”

OUCH. I can’t even think straight. My heart hurts. I can’t catch my breath.

No…I am not talking about “Henry the 8th I am.”

What I am talking about is J and her paranoia. What I am talking about is dealing with A day in and day out. And what I am talking about is how it is slowly driving me crazy.

I consider myself a very positive person. Sometimes I am optimistic to A FAULT!! Sometimes it drives people crazy because I have SUCH a sunny disposition…I know that YOU may not believe it from what you read here…but I promise. I am a very positive person.

BUT I’ll be DAMNED if this situation we are in right now doesn’t test my positive limits. J just freaks out about every little thing sometimes. She goes off on me about things that I can not fix. She worries about things so far in the future that I can not even see them yet.

And to make it even harder on me…talking to me does not make it any better for her. Whereas for me, when I am upset or bothered, I just want to hear her voice. That helps me so much. That makes it so much easier for me to deal with whatever is bugging me. For her??? It makes it worse.

Oh well. I am praying for things to work out the way they are supposed to. And I am hoping that the way they are supposed to work out is the way that I am wanting them to work out. I didn’t accept this ring on my finger to be made a fool of by stupid distance and time and past fucking mistakes! I accepted it because she made me believe it would all be real and true and WORTH accepting.